Like most red-blooded american teen males, the two most important things that hang on your adolescent walls at the age of 13 are:
1. a poster of a half naked Claudia Schiffer
2. muscle cars.
Both were of equal importance in my book. The hope at that age is simply that perhaps owning ONE of these things will eventually begat the other, if you are really REALLY lucky.
As one fades into adulthood, we somehow find the strength to let the Schiffer's of the world disappear into nostalgia. Maybe we settle down and find an even better, living and breathing, 3-dimensional version of Claudia that satisfies our wants. Got that, check….moving on.
That leaves the muscle car. Enter into the ring the new millennium version of the Dodge Challenger. Wow!!! Now that's a car that deserves a good dry hump!
Now the intelligent adult reads what he can on the vehicle first. He does his research on the specs, asks the probing technical questions, etc, etc. The teenager however takes over the decision when you finally test drive the muscle car of your dreams. But alas..the adult in you wants to make sure its the right decision, for you and your Claudia.
You finally bite the bullet and decide. Yes, black is still the new black and maybe the V6 is the responsible engine with Los Angeles gas prices. Ok, I'm in. Today is the day. Lets do this!!!!
For some reason the world looks brighter through the windshield, and Hall and Oats on Sirius radio never sounded so good. Now this is just the first 3 minutes on the way home! As you round the corner onto Burbank Boulevard, you feel unstoppable, perhaps even "cool" just for a minute. The Sun has started to set as you arrive at the stop light at Burbank and Fulton.
Lets put the headlights on…..then without warning….zzzzzzzz….pffftttttt….
What just happened? No twinkling dashboard lights, no power steering, no Hall, and no Oats. The cars behind you lose patience as you fumble to restart the beast. Nothing happens. The horns blare behind you in anger. The swear words begin to bellow through the valley as if you just lost your team the Super Bowl. You ****ing *******!!!!!!!!! How dare you!!! I don't have time for you and your stupid sexy car fail!!!!
The responsible motorist in you reaches to switch on the hazard lights, perhaps shift the car to neutral to remove it from the road. Nope! You cannot do either one of those things. Then you realize you and your Claudia are inhaling smoke. Smoke? Yes smoke! From the rear and front end of the dream machine. You exit the vehicle promptly looking like cracker versions of Cheech a female Chong.
"Hello? Dodge people? Help?"
"You better call roadside assistance buddy."
"Ummmm.. THIS CAR IS ON FIRRRRAAAAHHH!!!!!!!" (in my Alicia Keys voice)
The next call is to the wonderful Van Nuys police dept. Thank the good lord in uniform that they are prompt, carry a fire extinguisher, and both seem to have a death wish judging from their decision to climb inside the vehicle to put out the blaze. Next comes the tow truck guy. He's ****ing awesome! He's seen it all.
We all pile into the cab of his truck, its littered with taco bell wrappers and red bull cans. We haul ass back to the dealership with a smoking car in tow. To us, our muscle car dreams are shattered in less than 37 minutes of ownership. To him it's just another Wednesday.
In the 4 minute ride back to point of origin, I have calmly and strategically planned my next move. Buy myself and the wife matching Donkeys and start a new transportation trend in the San Fernando Valley. It's a fresh and totally green method of travel, not to mention that the matching hats on our new first class burros will be adorable to say the least. Now we only need really cute names for them. Thoughts?
Fast forward almost two weeks. Yes, that is how long it took for the Chrysler Corporation to come to judgement on the fate of your charred coach. Money has been refunded to you with little to no apology. The car has been buried in the desert in an unmarked grave. An "unbiased" third party inspection has been done to determine the cause. You are not important enough to know the reason why or how this happened. Just please be quiet sir.
"We would like to offer you and yours 1000.00 off of the purchase of your next Chrysler product"
"So you mean to say, that the value of human life to you equates 500.00?"
"Well, ummm yeah."
"Thanks but no thanks!"
My wife is extremely important to me. Probably like yours is to you. But please grow the **** up and buy a KIA or something. You may also want kids someday. I'm willing to bet they are also worth more than five hundred dollars? If so, helllloooo ebay!
Know this. The big corporations don't care about you. So you might as well go green and buy a donkey with a really cute hat.