How About a Joke Thread (Keep it Clean)

[SilverFox]

FOR THOSE OF US GETTING LONG IN THE TOOTH>>>>>

THE FIRST SENIOR MOMENT ON RECORD

And that's what happened to the Dinosaurs...

[Toxic11]

John Kerry walks into a bar... Bartender says "Hey pal... Why the long face?"

Horse walks into a bar... Bartender says "Hey pal... Why the long face?"

[raVenX]

Lawyer is walking down the street with his pet alligator. He see a bar and peeps inside and catches the bartender's attention, "Do you serve lawyers in here?" he asks, to which the bartender replied, "Sure do." So the lawyer takes a seat at the bar and says, "Great, I'll have a Coors Lights and how about a lawyer for my gator."

[Toxic11]

A penguin decides to take a vacation to Florida so he flys down (yes, on a plane.. Penguins can't fly!) he rents a car in Miami and he's driving around sight seeing. The AC in the car isn't working and he's frying his little penguin butt off. So he find a garage that's open and tells the mechanic what's going on and the mechanic says it will be about thirty minutes.

The penguin takes a walk down the street to a convenience store to get something cold to drink. He looks in the coolers and see's klondike bar's so he decides to get one of those instead.

The little guy is outside the store eating his klondike and of course it's dripping all over him. He's sticky and covered in melted ice cream. He walks back over to the garage and the mechanic peers up from under the hood and says Hey buddy, you blew a seal!

To which the penguin replies, no.... it's a Klondike bar!

[BEIST]

How to catch a polar bear: Cut a hole in the ice. Surround the hole with peas and then hide behind a snow bank. When a polar bear comes over to take a pea = kick him right in the ice hole.

[Syko]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

[Toxic11]

Mommy.... Does Barbie come with Ken?

No dear, she comes with Gi Joe, she just fakes it with Ken.

[MELLOWYELLOW06]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

[MELLOWYELLOW06]

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

[MELLOWYELLOW06]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....