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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 07-19-2012, 05:24 AM
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DEAD EASTER BUNNY

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible,"! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says ...

"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."



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Old 07-19-2012, 05:55 AM
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Originally Posted by ghostrt View Post
a man was reading a book ... and says to his wife you know , it says here when we die ... we are reincarnated and come back as another animal ... wife says wow ... when i die i want to come back as a cow...
Husband says .... apperently you were not listening ....
That one killed me.
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Old 07-19-2012, 06:00 AM
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Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?????



They mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:33 PM
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A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters is that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on!
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:47 PM
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theres a poetry contest and the two finalist are a Harvard grad and an NYC cab driver ... judges ask the harvard grad to recite a poem useing the word timbukto ... the grad thinks and then says there he rides across the sands , a worrior , a mighty man ... atlast what comes into view , his destination timbukto ... crowd gos crazy ... NYC cabby steps up and judges say we want you to recite a poem useing the same word timbukto .. cabbys thinking oh s@#t .. man im going to lose .... then spits out .. Tim and I camping we went ... there were 3 girls setting up a tent ....... though they were three and we were two .... i bucked one and Tim buk to
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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 08-12-2012, 10:33 AM
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Shipwrecked


The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"

The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."

The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"

The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"



The Baptism



One day down by a river, a preacher had just baptized a young lady. A few minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river.

The preacher said to him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk said yes.

The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him back up. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"

The drunk said no.

The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up. The preacher said, "Have you found Jesus?"

The drunk again said no.

The preacher dipped him and raised him up for a third time. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"

The drunk said, "Are you sure he fell in here?"


The Delicacy


A young Aggie stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The Aggie, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the Aggie returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."


The Accident


A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore, " she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help, " he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with! " she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend! " she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!

"The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!



Definitions

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:
"You're next."
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 08-13-2012, 07:25 AM
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One summer during a horrible drought, a young farm boy decided he better go out and get a job to help support his family during the tough year. So he goes into town to a big department store and applies for a sales job. He was hired there on the spot under a probationary period since, being a farm boy from the country, he didnt have any sales experience.

The boss says "Alright, I am going to leave you here for the day and we'll see what kind of sales you can generate, and then ill decide if you are right for this position." So the day goes by and right around closing time the boss comes back and says "Well, how did everything go today? How many sales did you have?" The boy replies "Well it was a little rough, but i got through it. I only had one sale." The boss says "WHAT?? Our sales people generally generate at least 15 sales per day! How much was it for!?" the boy says "$104,532 sir" the boss replies, "$104,532?? How did you do that!" the boy says "well a guy came in earlier that i first sold a small hook, a medium hook, and then a large hook. I then took him over to get a fishing pole. After that i asked him where he was going fishing, and after we talked a bit we decided he needed a boat to get out to the deep water. After buying the boat the man remembered he wouldnt be able to pull the new boat with his little honda civic so i took him over to the truck department to buy a new diesel pickup." The boss says "You mean to tell me that you sold all of that when all he came in for was fishing supplies?!?" The boy said, "well actually no, the man originally came in for tampons for his wife so i said, man, your weekend is shot you better go fishing!!"

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Old 08-13-2012, 07:54 AM
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Oh these are sooo goid

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Old 08-13-2012, 09:46 AM
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Johnny and Jimmy are in their room when their mom calls out that it's time for breakfast. "Listen", Johnny tells Jimmy. "We're old enough we can start cussing and I think it's about time. So at breakfast, I'll say hell and you say ass". Jimmy agrees and they go sit at the dinner table.

"What do you want for breakfast?", mom asks Johnny. Johnny replies, "Aww, hell, just give me the Cheerios." Mom explodes. "We don't talk like that in this household, young man. You go to your room right now!" Mom follows Johnny to his room, swatting him and yelling at him the whole way.

Mom gathers her composure and returns to the kitchen. "Now, Jimmy, what do you want for breakfast?", she asks. To which Jimmy replies, "You can bet your fat ass it won't be the Cheerios."
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Old 11-06-2012, 07:29 AM
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One bright and sunny day, Two Challengers were drag racing down the street, They were neck in neck, burning up the road, then they passed a gas station...
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