The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"
One day down by a river, a preacher had just baptized a young lady. A few minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river.
The preacher said to him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk said yes.
The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him back up. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk said no.
The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up. The preacher said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk again said no.
The preacher dipped him and raised him up for a third time. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"
The drunk said, "Are you sure he fell in here?"
A young Aggie stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The Aggie, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the Aggie returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore, " she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help, " he said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with! " she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend! " she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!
"The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: