How About a Joke Thread (Keep it Clean)

[deranged]

Little Timmy comes downstairs and asks his mom, "What's for breakfast?" Mom replies, "Go do your chores and I'll have it ready." Not thrilled with the idea of chores before breakfast he goes about feeding the cows after which he gives several a good swift kick. Then he moves along to feed the chickens and again kicks a few. Then on to the pigs and yet again he takes his frustration out on them by kicking them. When he returns to the breakfast table he has a bowl of dry cornflakes sitting at his spot. He asks, "Why do I only get some dry cereal for my breakfast?" Mom explains, "I was watching out the kitchen window and saw how you kicked the cows so you ain't having no milk. Then I saw you kicking the chickens so I ain't fixing you the eggs I had. Well you know that you did the same thing to the pigs so no bacon."

At that moment dad comes down the stairs and immediately trips over the cat and after picking himself up kicks the cat across the kitchen. Timmy grins and says, "Pop I know what you ain't gettin tonight!"

[HEMIZSP]

A couple got a talking parrot as a gift on their wedding night. Leaving for their honeymoon the next day, they decided to take the parrot with them since they couldn't find anyone to look after the bird while they were gone. Once they got to their honeymoon suite, they put the parrot next their bed. But every time they had sex the parrot would make a annoying comment. So after the second night the husband decided to cover the cage with a towel and told the parrot if it made one more comment it was going to the zoo. It was their last day on their honeymoon and they started packing. They had this one huge suitcase that wouldn't close. The wife thinking maybe a little weight would do the trick said to her husband "honey let me sit on it". So the wife sat on the suitcase but still no luck. So the husband thinking he's a bid heavier than the wife said "honey let ME sit on" but still the suite case would not close. And then the wife said to her husband "honey lets both of us sit on it and we'll try". At that point the parrot yanked the towel and said "zoo or no zoo I gotta see this.


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[rhyster]

Man buys extraordinary parrot to impress his aging mother on her 85th birthday, parrot can speak five different languages fluently, add, subtract, division, multiplication, even quote passages from the bible upon request. A few days later Son asks mother how the bird was, ......mother replies..., “Thank you very much son, the chicken was delicious”



A bear is swaggering down a forest path singing “I'm a dirty rotten pig”... “I'm a dirty rotten pig”...“I'm a dirty rotten pig”... he happens upon a small fluffy rabbit in the path...rabbit says...“hello,... your not a pig!,... your a bear!”
The bear picks up the rabbit, wipes his behind with it, tosses the rabbit into the bush, and carries on down the path singing,..“I'm a dirty rotten pig”... “I'm a dirty rotten pig”... “I'm a dirty rotten pig”...

[Lashlarue]

Did you hear about the 71 year old woman arrested for prostitution in California. Walmart named her greeter of the month!!!

[Zute]

Why don't blind people skydive?



.....it scares the sh_t out of their dogs.

[ghostrt]

did you hear about the midget psychic that escaped from jail ...... they are looking for a small medium at large

[3 peddles]

Guy walking along a beach comes across what looks like a jeanie bottle - figures what the hey - picks it up and gives it a rub... VAAARRROOUUSSHHHHH ! in a huge cloud of dark smoke, a jeanie appears and says " I've been in that bottle for a 1,000 years...name it and it's yours " - guy thinks for a moment and says " I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I can't go by boat because I get sea sick, and I can't fly because I get air sick.... I want to drive to Hawaii !
Jeanie thinking out loud mumbles... the men..! the materials...! the logistics...! pauses and asks - "tell me, is there anything else you may want ? guy thinks for a moment any replies " YES !... I always wanted to know the inner workings of the female mind !" with that, the jeanie replies... "so...was that a 2 or 3 lane highway to Hawaii ?"