Pining for the good old days of big muscle, stylish steel

[Mr.DJ]

Pining for the good old days of big muscle, stylish steel

by M.Yost

If you want to see what's really wrong with America, go to the Greater Minneapolis and St. Paul International Auto Show.
We don't drive cars anymore. We drive jellybeans.

Black ones.

That leave a bad taste in your mouth.

The Official Show Vehicle is the Dodge Caliber, which replaced the Neon (need I say more?). You'd think the show organizers could have picked something a little more exciting to showcase.

Like the Ford Shelby GT500. A nod to the Shelby Mustangs of the late 1960s, this baby has a 5.4-liter, 32-valve V-8 engine that cranks out 450 horsepower.

Or the Dodge Challenger. Of all the retro muscle cars built over the past few years, it best captures the line and attitude of the original. The Challenger concept has a 6.1-liter Hemi V-8 that puts out 425 horsepower and goes from 0-60 in 4.5 seconds. It takes longer for the check engine light to go out on most cars.

No, the GT500 and the Challenger were both behind ropes. After all, we wouldn't want people to be reminded that cars used to have style and character.

So instead of the Challenger, we get the Caliber. It's advertised as a five-passenger sedan, but clearly the designers don't eat at the Sizzler buffet.
And horsepower? The standard model churns out a whopping 148 horses. My overweight beagle, Louie, tugs harder on his leash when he sees his favorite tree.

It does come standard with side-curtain airbags. And if you really want to splurge there's a self-recharging flashlight option. (What will they think of next?)

Unfortunately, the Caliber was pretty representative of the abysmal lineup of bland, tasteless cars at this year's show. Not surprising when you remember that the Toyota Camry and the Honda Accord, the original McCars, are the No. 1 selling cars in America every year. And don't get me started on the hybrids.

Here are some other lowlights of the show:

Like the Challenger and GT500, the Chevy Camaro concept was also off limits. They didn't even have models with too much silicone and not enough clothes politely saying, "Please, don't touch." Instead, they tacked a cardboard sign to the display stand.

But you could climb all over the Chevy HHR. That's the PT Cruiser knockoff — designed by the same guy — that GM is hawking this year.

Ford was featuring the new Fusion. That's the nondescript jellybean car that replaced the original nondescript jellybean car, the Taurus.

Even the European imports were disappointing. Anyone remember the BMW 2002? Look at BMW's new 3-series and you'll cry.

The Audis have lost all of their style. And most of the Volkswagens have gotten so big that they might as well be Audis. Even the new Beetle is a letdown. Yes, it looks like the same car you took to Woodstock, but with a better paint job and better seats. But I don't imagine you could fix it with a paper clip and a swift kick, like you could the old ones.

And the Maseratis? Fuhgeddaboutit. They were locked. (The Italians must have seen the "Hot Dago" sandwiches on local menus and deemed us all unworthy of touching the steering wheel.)

For me there were only two highlights of the evening. Mercedes-Benz still makes cars with style and pizzazz, although my wife thought the new interiors looked cheap (she's right). That aside, nothing says you've arrived like pulling up in a black S550 sedan. It starts at about 85 grand, but if you want 12 cylinders instead of the standard eight you'll have to pony up another $45,000. The Mercedes CL500 two-door coupe ain't bad, either, for a $95,000 car.

But the clear winners of the show were the new Caddies. That brand's the best comeback story out of Detroit in the last decade — and it showed. My wife fell in love with a pearl-colored STS. She was OK with the base model ($46,000), but I liked the STS-V, the souped-up job that features a 469 horsepower engine and starts at $77,000.

"You'd look great in that in Brooklyn," Pioneer Press columnist Craig Westover told us before noting that the house he bought 30 years ago cost less.

Walking out, disappointed, I was reminded of something James Garner told me on a press junket to the Indianapolis 500. "When I was a kid, I could tell what kind of car was coming up the road just by the headlights," he said.
If he walked into the Minneapolis Convention Center this week, he'd have a hard time finding something we used to call "a car."
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Source: St.Paul Pioneer Press
by M.Yost
Tue, Mar. 14, 2006