Is it Nuke, or Elwood Blues?
"It's got a cop motor, a four hundred and forty cubic inch plant. It's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters, so it'll run good on regular gas."
I love Jake, but man I’m too old to be dodging RPGs, flamethrowers, and 5.56 rounds aimed at my head by Princess Lea (or anyone for that matter!). So yeah, sign me up as Elwood. He’s much more my speed I think!
Although that does leave the matter of what to do if a pack of Illinois Nazis come after me. You know how them Illinois Nazis are, they don’t discriminate about Jake vs Elwood, they hate them both equally! So I will need a plan for that...
Urethra, I’ve got it!!
When them Illinois Nazis come calling, I’ll just lasso ‘em up, hog tie ‘em, and toss them in the back seat of my Charger! Then I’ll drive them out to West Texas somewhere and turn them loose to fend for themselves. Yeah, somewhere in between Odessa and Ft. Stockton would be perfect. They’ll wander around out there for days before finally succumbing to the dust, the heat, the cacti, and the scorpions.
Hell, by the time they manage to find their way back to civilization, if at all, they’ll be so sunburned, windburned, and parched from thirst that the locals will think they’re a roving pack of lunatic zombies and just dispatch them Nazi bass-turds right there on the side of the road, thereby doing the rest of us a favor and putting an end to any serious nazi’ing in the greater Illinois area.
And if you really think about it, getting popped by some local hillbillies and left for the buzzards out in West Texas to feed upon is about the most perfect way for a Nazi to go, right?!?
(If it ain’t the best way for them to go, it’ll do just fine until a better way comes along!)