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Official Joke Thread

A woman is in hospital and the doctor phones the husband and explains that there's been a mix up with his wife's test results and don't know whether she's got Alzheimer's or aids, the man replies "what the f--k am I supposed to do now then? "Well" the doctor says, "I'm going to put her on the wrong bus, if she finds her way home, DON'T shag her"!
 

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On chargerforums, they have an Official Joke Thread with over 260 pages of clean jokes. I thought that this would be a fun thing to do on our forum, so I created a Sticky thread.

Here are a few of my favorite jokes:

Unusual Funeral Procession

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

******************************************************************************************************

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and he was sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground brewed coffee."

I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon." I asked again, "Well so why are you crying?"

He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00am." I asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He sobbed, "I can't remember where I live!"

********************************************************************************************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again... and again they went right though.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

*******************************************************************************************************

A man went into a local pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman behind the counter informed him that she was the pharmacist.

She told the man that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no male pharmacists employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with, as she had been a licensed pharmacist for many years.

The man shrugged his shoulders and agreed to share his problem. "Okay," said the man, "but this is a bit embarrassing for me. I have a permanent erection, which causes me lots of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3,000 a month in living expenses."

*********************************************************************************************************

As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand.

"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."

********************************************************************************************************
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well..'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!'
 

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My daughter brought this one home from school..

A boy says to a girl "Why do you wear a bra? you have nothing to fill it with."

The girl replies, "You wear pants don't you?"
 

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John Kerry walks into a bar... Bartender says "Hey pal... Why the long face?"

Horse walks into a bar... Bartender says "Hey pal... Why the long face?"
 

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Lawyer is walking down the street with his pet alligator. He see a bar and peeps inside and catches the bartender's attention, "Do you serve lawyers in here?" he asks, to which the bartender replied, "Sure do." So the lawyer takes a seat at the bar and says, "Great, I'll have a Coors Lights and how about a lawyer for my gator."
 

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A penguin decides to take a vacation to Florida so he flys down (yes, on a plane.. Penguins can't fly!) he rents a car in Miami and he's driving around sight seeing. The AC in the car isn't working and he's frying his little penguin butt off. So he find a garage that's open and tells the mechanic what's going on and the mechanic says it will be about thirty minutes.

The penguin takes a walk down the street to a convenience store to get something cold to drink. He looks in the coolers and see's klondike bar's so he decides to get one of those instead.

The little guy is outside the store eating his klondike and of course it's dripping all over him. He's sticky and covered in melted ice cream. He walks back over to the garage and the mechanic peers up from under the hood and says Hey buddy, you blew a seal!

To which the penguin replies, no.... it's a Klondike bar!
 

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How to catch a polar bear: Cut a hole in the ice. Surround the hole with peas and then hide behind a snow bank. When a polar bear comes over to take a pea = kick him right in the ice hole.
 

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"


The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.


I just can't take that chance."
 

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Mommy.... Does Barbie come with Ken?

No dear, she comes with Gi Joe, she just fakes it with Ken.

:)
 

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
 

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
 

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
 

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i heard Jeremy Lin was just signed by the Rockets to be their starting Point Guard.

i'm sure he will be able to wok the wok and talk the talk...........
 

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A guy gets home from work and sits in his chair in front of the TV. He says to his wife "Hey Honey, can you bring me a beer before it starts". She does. A little while later says to her "Hey Honey, can you bring me another beer before it starts". She does. A third time he asks her "Hey Honey can you bring me a beer before....." She shouts "All you do is come home, sit in your chair, and get me to bring you beer." He says "Oh, here we go, its started".
 

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True story from tonight

Hostess at <fancy restaurant name>: Hello, do you have reservations?

Me: No, we've eaten here before. The food is really good so we don't have any reservations.

Hostess: <confused stare>
 
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